Note: This post is basically stream of consciousness. It’s not my usual discussion type post. Just working through something.

The beginning of the semester grace period is over. The warm up is done and it is time to start pushing my mind. However you want to say it, the ^*!# hits the fan this week. The first test in physiology is today, I meet my faculty client tomorrow, initial programming is due Thursday. Am I ready to run? I better be.

Okay. Panic over. I’m not 100% ready for the test in physiology, but I think I have a good grasp of what’s going on. This first one is over homeostasis mechanisms, membrane functioning, and neuronal functioning. It’s only three topics, what’s the big deal? (Excuse me as I pause to silence the evil cackling in the back of my mind.)

Thanks to my departmental chair’s sense of humor, my faculty client and I have a few things in common, so that should be less stressful than I was anticipating. Likewise, analysis and programming for the client is just a matter of crunching numbers and taking things one at a time.

Why am I stressing out? Because I’m a perfectionist. If things aren’t done “right” they’re not done well. At least that’s the default mindset I’m fighting against. Rationally, I know that this mindset is wrong. At the very least, it ignores the whole concept of school and learning curves. I think the real issue is not merely “passing”, it’s pride. In all my classes so far, I’ve excelled. So much so that in a couple of classes, when I was wrong, the instructor began to doubt herself. As I said, the fear is not whether or not I will pass my courses this semester. The fear is that I will become less in other people’s eyes. Pride.

I’ve set myself a high standard. I don’t know if I can meet it. Even if I can’t, I doubt others in the program will think less of me. Yet there is that desire not to put it to the test. I hate disappointing myself and others.

When I started this post, I was so anxious, I could barely keep my fingers on the keys of the keyboard. Now, my heart rate is down, I’m thinking more clearly, and I can feel myself focusing on the tasks at hand. Identifying the source of anxiety as mere pride rather than passing seems to be helping.