NOTICE!

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Periodically you see posted signs with large type, bolded lettering at the top: NOTICE! Sometimes this lettering is underlined or italicized in an attempt to raise it from mere prominence to attention-grabbing radiance. The sign writer seems to believe that this simple written command will seduce its reader into paying extra attention to the message. Every now and then it even works; but when it does, commanding attention is the least of the posting. There is usually also an action component. NOTICE: report finding lost items to campus police. NOTICE: The Astronomy Club is looking for new members, inquire with ______ (president) or _______ (faculty advisor).

Paying attention to things around you is a good idea in general. But understanding the implications of what you’re seeing and then ACTING on those implication is even better. Simply “noticing” is not enough. One of the best examples of the difference between noticing a fact and understanding a fact I’ve seen so far is within one of the first few chapters (chapter 4, I think) of Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey. The scene I refer to is when Delauney asks Phedre to describe what she’d observed about the carriage and horses she’d just arrived in. She gives a very good description of them and thought herself very observant when Delauney praised her. Then Delauney asks Alcuin (who’d only seen the horse and carriage long enough for Phedre and Delauney to disembark and Delauney to pay the driver) to describe what he’d observed. Instead of describing the physicality of the horses and carriage, he describes that the unmarked carriage meant a livery stable, that matched white horses were rare and thus valuable (so that the stable was probably prosperous), that the driver had the mannerisms of someone country-bred but had been in the city long enough “not to bite the coin given by a gentleman”, and thus it would not be too difficult to trace the coachman if he needed to be questioned.

The more information you have in your mind, the easier and faster it is to do this. Also the ability to make connections between multiple disciplines is a good skill to train. (For instance: The reason why stars are dimmer than our sun follows the same principle why we do not bleed out every time our heart beats.) It’s one reason I love learning. Every time I find a connection between disciplines, I feel like I’ve pulled a gem from a bog. This is what I try to impart in my “running woman” exercise.

I’d been trying to get my students to think in this manner for many years before Kushiel’s Dart was published. I’d been giving my students a simplified example and asking them to come up with possible scenarios for what they see. I start with something like: “You see a woman running. What’s going on?” I usually address newer students first and rarely get anything other than “She’s running from someone.” Occasionally, I get “She’s out exercising.” Given that the “running woman” exercise is done in the context of a martial arts or self-defense class, the answers are understandable. If no one asks clarifying questions, I start adding details: “She’s dressed in slacks and a nice blouse.” There goes the out for a jog explanation.  “She doesn’t look back and her head is up.” Probably not running from someone. And so on. Depending on how quick the students are, I may end with “She has nothing in her hands, but everyone else on the street is carrying a closed umbrella.” If they need something a little more obvious, I throw in “The sky is filled with low, black rainclouds.” So instead of running from danger, she is trying to get home before she gets soaked. Depending on the level of interest and the number of light bulbs I see going off above people’s heads, I take it further into possible habits and thinking patterns.

Unfortunately, this sometimes gets me into trouble. As a very shy extrovert (not really a contradiction), I spend a lot of time around people without directly interacting with them. I also tend to score very high on empathy. Since I tend to think in sensations rather than words, it’s not difficult for me to see someone in distress and get “sympathy pangs”. It’s also very easy for me to get sucked into their problems. This is one reason I’m not a therapist despite many people telling me I have a talent for making people feel comfortable and safe; until I get these responses under conscious control, I would get burned out too fast be of use to anyone. I recently told someone, “If I see someone in distress, I can’t not respond.” As I said, seeing, understand, and responding sometimes gets me into trouble.

Seeing a NOTICE! sign, or posting one, is all well and good, but it is rarely sufficient to the underlying reason why the sign was posted in the first place. A notice sign calls for understanding and action. A paper posted on a bulletin board is usually about a matter simple enough to understand and act upon. But paper notices aren’t the only notice signs out there. Many of those notice signs are hidden beneath other things, and in order to see them you have to understand the implications of what you’re seeing on the surface. “Reading between the lines” is often hard enough in print. Graduating from the two dimensional of text on a page (or screen) to the four dimensional world of life is much harder, but it can be done.

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Who Needs Stimulants?

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Making a decision and committing to it often brings about a burst of energy. Whether it’s losing a few pounds (or a lot of pounds), or embarking on a career change. There is a sense of energizing finality available from few other mechanisms. I’m not talking about decisions made under duress, though there’s usually a different kind of energy associated with that. Nor am I talking about a decision that doesn’t really matter. Deciding to eat salad instead of soup as an appetizer doesn’t have the life-changing possibilities that fuel that burst of energy. The decisions I’m talking about are the ones that have the potential to alter your life forever. There is trepidation in such a decision, a willingness to look into the possibilities beyond rather than slog through what’s here.  When such a decision is reached and a commitment is made, a sense of “let’s do this, and let’s do it NOW” pervades.

“It’s doctor’s orders…really.”

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“I need a girlfriend! It’s doctor’s orders.” Well. That’s what I told my friends. To some extent, it’s true. What he actually said was that I needed a person or people I could be intimate with. And by “intimate” he meant “real”, “completely open”, “absolute trust”, “totally honest”. I knew what he meant when he said it, and that sexuality and attraction do not necessarily play a part, and he knew I knew what he meant. Which is why he said it that way. Nevertheless, it kind of tickles my sense of humor that I’ve been “prescribed” a girlfriend.

My dating “resume” is pretty short. I’ve only had three serious relationships: one that lasted a couple years in high school, one that ended in several years of marriage before divorce, and recently one that lasted about a year. Suffice it to say, I’ve never been “in practice” at this dating thing. So how does one approach a familiar obstacle that one has very little idea about how to get past it?

Well, there are divorce recovery groups. There are various meetups (through Meetup.com). There are singles groups through church. I’ve tried the meetups. They’re great for doing activity centered get-togethers. Not so great for pure socialization. Of course the problem may be which ones I attend. One of the issues may simply be that most of my interests are not as mainstream as I believed. I’ve signed up for a divorce support meetup. I’ve signed up for a single’s meetup through my church. In fact, today arrived early at the meeting location at Mozart’s coffee shop at Lake Austin. I’ve been writing this blog entry as I wait for people to show up, taking the occasional break to watch the turtles swimming around, poking their heads above water to demand food. We’ll see how it goes.

To “hate” or not to “hate”

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A friend told me about a concept called a “hate book”. It is a collection of letters, posts, imagined conversations, and the like that would be “inadvisable” to send or actually follow the script. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it seems like an excellent way to put things in writing so that they’re not festering inside your head. It’s also a good way to work through issues since in order to put them into a readable format, you have to organize your thoughts, think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and even why you want to say it. The darker side of the “hate book” is that it seems like an almost ideal way to maintain grudges, keep pain alive, and provide ammunition for later encounters. In other words, this tool provides an excuse not to forgive, not to heal, not to move on.

One could compare it to a blade, I suppose. It can be used to harm or to heal. It could provide a needed release or an entry point for poison. I guess the eventual use such a device is put to is entirely dependent upon the personality of the person employing it. I like to think of myself as a healer. I’ve often been told that that is one of my leading characteristics. As such, I’m much more likely to use a “hate book” for self-healing. And yet, I am human. I do have a vicious side, a cruel streak that would shock almost all of my friends if I ever lost control and let it loose. So would I actually use a “hate book” for healing? Or would I use it to justify whatever nasty action or actions I do? I don’t know.

Maybe if I change the name of it, I won’t be as tempted to let my darker side use it. Right now, I don’t actually hate anyone. In pain? Yes. Saddened? Yes. Disappointed? Absolutely. So what would I call it? “Pain Book” sounds like a BDSM manual. “Sad Book” sounds either like a depressive’s diary or a children’s book telling them it’s okay to cry. “Disappointment Book” is not only a ridiculously long a title, but also potentially inaccurate in the long run. Oh well. A name will come to me, or not; given to me, or not. Until the ideal name comes to me, I think I’ll just refer to it as my Book of Bad Ideas.